Livros no varal,ideias no ar.
Livros no varal,Lisa Damour · EUA · @randomhouse
Ganhei esse livro de presente da minha irmã no ano passado. No Brasil, foi publicado com o título "Descomplicadas", pelo selo Bicicleta Amarela. Foi útil para compreender os dilemas da adolescência. A autora é uma psicóloga especializada em atender meninas adolescentes. O livro é dividido em temas e apresenta os problemas de casos reais da sua clínica e de estudos científicos, desde Anna Freud. Aumentei meu repertório para lidar com algumas questões que estavam me angustiando. Uma observação me aliviou: não passar por essas mudanças e continuar com um comportamento infantil após certa idade também é preocupante. Então, não tem muito jeito, vamos enfrentar as mudanças. E fazendo piadinha que ela não acha mais engraçada!
“Tell her that you know that good teens can find themselves in bad situations and that you will never make her sorry she asked for your help”
p. 256 · uma de 40 frases marcadas neste livro
Healthy adolescent development requires certain conditions - one being parents who can handle rejectionp. 39
When we support our daughters by telling them that they are special, or that they are great at other things, we suggest that success depends on luck, not effortp. 191
Raising a young woman will be one of the most vexing, delightful, exhausting, and fulfilling things you will ever dop. 280
You used to have a wry sense of humor, but suddenly your same old jokes are corny and embarrassing, especially if you crack them in front of her friendsp. 8
You may not like my questions, but you need to find a polite way of respondingp. 17
The one where you remind your daughter that no self-respecting person will enjoy her company when she treats people the way she just treated youp. 20
Parents of teenagers need supportive partners and friends to prop them up when they feel that they just can’t take one more push-off. Knowing that you can serve as a reliable, safe basis allows your daughter to venture out into the world; having the strength to stay in place when your daughter claims to reject you in short order, usually requires the loving support of adult alliesp. 23
Many parents of teenage girl are as awed by their daughters’s incredible capabilities as they are stunned by the things that she claims she cannot dop. 25
Other girls freeze up if they need to confront or disappoint an adult and we turned themselves inside out to avoid talking to a teacher about a grading mistake or telling the neighbors that they are not available to babysit.p. 25
Along similar lines, if your daughter rejects your advice about how to manage her acne, consider making an advance call to her pediatrician or family doctor before her next routine visit and ask her doctor to address skin care as part of that appointment. In other words, if your daughter wants to have privacy from you around her changing body, respect her wishes while connecting her with information and resources she needs to take good care of herselfp. 31
Girls also use online environments to try on personas that don’t really match their actual personalities.p. 36
not having the latitude to be unpleasant with their parents, they become unpleasant with themselvesp. 39
‘I’m all for mindless entertainment, but you know that I’m not a big fan of shows that celebrate women for being sexy and stupid’. Your daughter may roll her eyes, but do it anyway. Girls can listen and roll their eyes at the same timep. 44
I can’t overstate the significance of a teenager’s pack membershipp. 48
Conflict is the common cold of human interaction: we don’t like it, we can’t cure it, and we just have to live with it. When humans spend time with other humans, we come into conflict with one another (and get colds)p. 49
Maya and I talk it over and decided that she should put her energy behind supporting Camille’s ongoing friendship with Sara, even as Camille look to become closer with the popular crowdp. 53
There’s no excuse for either girl’s behavior, but there’s an explanation: as a culture, we do a terrible job of helping girls figure out what to do when they are madp. 55
They might find themselves managing the politics and hierarchies of the packs the youth immediately join, engaging in risky behavior to maintain their social ties, or feeling stressed by outsized obligations to care for needy friendsp. 57
You might suspect that your daughter has a frenemy if you find yourself stuck in a repeating cycle, where your daughter complains about a peer’s antics, you encourage her to avoid that peer, things quiet down for a while, and then you hear new complaints about what the peer has donep. 58
be sure to talk with her about the fact that she might find herself in a bad situation and develop an agreement that you will retrieve her - no questions asked - from any circumstance at any timep. 64
Most parents are stupefied by how attracted girls become to their phonesp. 70
In my experience, it’s rarely a good idea to tackle bullying by calling other kid’s parents because some girls tell their parents they are being mistreated at school without owning up to the fact that they dish out more then they share of miseryp. 79
So if your teenage daughter is developing normally, you are living with someone who secretly worries that she’s crazy and who might have the psychological assessment results of a psychotic adultp. 87
When your daughter complains, listen quietly, and remind yourself that you are providing her with a way to unload this stress of her dayp. 90
Psychological discomfort is an amazing thingp. 100
Girls who run from one activity to the next can suffer from unnecessary stress, and, as we know, become disconnected from their families. But girls with too much time on their hands are more likely to misuse digital technologyp. 111
I’ve also seen adults drawn into helicopter parenting because they are worried about losing their connection to their teen and welcome the invitation to stay closep. 114
When teens are tasty all the time, it’s easy for adults to write their behavior off as stereotypically teenaged and simply annoying. That’s a mistake, and one that causes us to miss many highly treatable cases of adolescent depressionp. 116
When girls become teenagers, they stop buying everything we’re re selling. They still trust some adults, but they watch us carefully and are quick to see our flawsp. 119
When your daughter questions your authority, take her seriously and offer an explanation, a compromise, or your agreement. As one told me, there’s nothing better than beating an adult in an argumentp. 125
Teens are eager to contend with adult authority, and they often do it by testing the adults closest to themp. 128
And really great teenagers sometimes do really dumb thingsp. 165
Girls who are very smart, or who have been hailed as gifted, can be at heightened risk for developing a fixed mindset. When we explain success in terms of smarts, girls can worry that having to actually work at something proves that they weren't so gifted in the first place. I'm not against telling girls that they're bright, but balance that praise with an admiration for her work habits and effort. If your daughter succeeds without breaking a sweat, consider saying, ‘You're doing well without having to work hard at all, but I also look forward to the day when you have to push yourself to understand the material. That's when the real learning begins.’p. 192
it’s not about the answers, it’s about getting her to consider the questionsp. 207
It’s bad enough that our culture dictates confusing terms to girls. It’s even worse that these messages, especially ones that emphasize the sexual objectification of girls, actually influence girls’ thoughts and actions, as well as their mental and physical healthp. 210
In contrast, girls who derive their self-esteem entirely from their romantic relationships give us a reason to worryp. 234
Tell her that you know that good teens can find themselves in bad situations and that you will never make her sorry she asked for your helpp. 256
Your daughter gets input from many sources on the topic of sex. You should be one of themp. 274
It’s unrealistic, and probably unnecessary, to expect that both parents will be equally engaged with their daughter in all areas of her life. And it’s likely that there are benefits to have parents play different rolesp. 338
People who use this defense, get psychological relief at someone else’s expense by turning the tables when they are suffering. In our scenario, the other lesson may have felt that she was sorely mistreated all dayp. 340